That's How We Survive
by Lady of Dreams2701
Summary: AU; a Twilight Soap Opera that sort of takes place during Eclipse. Includes Bella, Edward, Jacob, Felix... Please R&R. No insult intended.
1. Chapter 1

**That's How We Survive**

A Twilight Soap Opera

by Lady of Dreams2701

_For the love of Twilight..._

A/N: Just what every love story needs: a "good" soap opera based off of it. Well, I was partly inspired by the movie, too. With a possibly dreadful attempt of humor I give you this *cough* masterpiece. I mean no harm to Twilight nor its original author. Speaking of Twilight, I do not own the series nor the movie.

**Present**

At the beginning of the scene, Bella is sitting in the Cullen's living room, flipping through an old photo book while the Cullens do... whatever it is that they do... and Edward... plays the piano. Suddenly she lifts up her head, gazing dramatically out the back wall that is actually a window, as she recalls how she came to Forks....

**Flashback**

"Woe is me," Bella said to herself. "I will not cry..." she whispered, as a tear rolled down her cheek anyway as she gazed lovingly at the desert right next to her house while hugging a cactus plant to her chest. Why on Earth she wanted to take a damn cactus with her, rather then, say, a few pictures of one, is beyond me. I suppose the author had her reasons when she set out on this mission.

"All set, Bella?" Phil asked, flashing a grin, and a cliched ray of sunlight bounced off of his teeth.

"Yes," Bella replied, wiping the tear off her cheek as she climbed into the car, and they drove off to the airport. All the while, she gazed miserably and dramatically out the window.

"Oh, Bella," Her mother said reaching out her arms so that they could share a loving and incredibly melodramatic parting hug. "I will miss you so mu- OW!"

Bella pulled away, shrugging her shoulders sheepishly while continuing to cling to her cactus plant.

"Uhm, Bella, do you think you could put that down for, like, two seconds?"

"No!" Bella said, turning her back on her mother while protecting her cactus plant. But she turns too fast so that she falls down. She stands up, blushing.

"Well, kid, I'm gonna' miss you, and I don't think I'll ever forget about you nor the found memories we shared." Phil said, Renee under his arm as she looked sadly at her daughter. "See you whenever, Stella." He said beating on her back so that she stumbles forward, the cactus plant stabbing into her flat chest.

Bella screamed, and falls to the floor dramatically. "I need to go to a hospital!"

"Now, now, Bella," Renee said, looking frantic. "I'm sure it's not really all that bad..."

*Blood soaks through Bella's shirt as she desperately searches for her cell phone to call an ambulance."

"Oops, that's your plane, sorry!" Phil said, picking Bella up and tossing her towards the gate. Bella proceeds to stumble onto the plane.

There is a pause, in which Renee and Phil clutch to each other, gazing soulfully at the back of the girl who was currently walking up the ramp, falling, picking herself back up, and falling again.

Thirty minutes later, she makes it onto the plane, and Renee speaks as tears pour down her face.

"Do you think she'll live?"

Phil smiles, the ghost of a soulful expression lingering. "I think she might just manage not to tumble out of her shower in the morning and break her head open on the tile. Maybe. I think she'll meet an incredibly gorgeus century old man who looks like he's seventeen and sparkles in the sunlight."

Renee glances up at Phil, tears still streaming down her cheeks. "Do you think so Phil? Do you think she'll be happy?"

Phil smiles down at her lovingly. "She will. Until, of course, he leaves her in the sequel. But he'll be back so we shouldn't worry."

The two exchange a passionate kiss and exit the stage- I mean, airport- with there arms around each other's waists.

***Cut to black***

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Just call 1-800-GreatAbs for your 6,000 dollar contraption that will show up in, like, a month! *Cheesy wink*

*****_**And now, For the love of **_**Twilight**_**, we return to **_**That's How We Survive**_*****_

When the plane arrived in Port Angeles, Bella stood up too fast, fell forward into the back of somebody's chair, blushed, reached for her carry-on that fell on her head, causing her to fall on the floor, blushed, got up, picked up her bag, and began to make her way off the plane and down the ramp to the gate. Charlie was reading a newspaper when he heard the loud tumbling of a relatively slender girl attempting, and failing, to make her way towards him. Charlie rises dramatically, tossing the paper into someones face, and spreads out his arms as his daughter rushes forward, falls, rushes forward some more only to fall again, and eventually reach his arms. The two share an intimate, Hollywood-generated-and-therefore-entirely-unrealistic moment.

"Oh, father, how I've missed you!" Bella cried, stepping backwards.

"What the- is that a fucking cactus?" Charlie said, pulling needles out of his chest.

"I'm so happy to see you!"

"What?" Charlie said looking up. "Oh, yeah, right..."

Charlie pulls himself together, and then opens his eyes and beams at his daughter, back on track.

"My beautiful daughter!" He said, his eyes glistening with tears at the sight of her.

The two share a soulful, Soap-Opera-esque gaze, and then Charlie says,

"C'mon, daughter, let's go home."

The two proceed to link arms, and together they attempt to skip but wind up stumbling, falling, blushing, stumbling, and falling again straight into the sunset.

**Present**

Bella sighed dramatically before calling in an unnecessarily loud voice considering the person she was calling was both in the same room and had super-hearing and could therefore have heard her whisper from outside in the woods.

"Edddddddwwwwwwaaaarrrrrrdddddd!"

"Yes, Bella, love?" Edward said, standing up. As he did so the sunlight shone through the window causing his skin to sparkle whilst, simoltaneously, a random breeze swept through his hair.

He proceeds to make his way to Bella's side, hold her hands in his own, and gaze lovingly into her chocolate brown eyes.

"I want to go to La Push to see Jaaaaacccccooooobbbbbb!" She whined.

Edward stands suddenly, turning his back on her to gaze at the opposite wall in anguish. "I can't let you do that, Bella."

"But I want to!" Bella said, standing up to stamp her foot.

"It's too dangerous," he said in a pained voice while he continued to look away from her.

"Then let's have sssssssseexxxxxxxxxx-uhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"That's even more dangerous."

"I don't care!"

"I do..." Edward whispered, "I could never live with myself if I- if I ever hurt you."

"You are such a downer!"

"Bella, please!" Edward cried, reaching out to grab her arm as she began to leave the house.

She turned dramatically. "Let me go!"

And with that she proceeds to sweep out of the house. Until, of course, she falls on her face. She stands up, blushing, and exits through the front door, slamming it behind her.

Edward sobs tearlessly, his face in his hands as he mulls over the pain in his heart.

"She'll be back, Edward," Alice whispered.

Edward turned towards her with a hopeful expression.

"Did you have a vision?"

Alice stares into his overly hopeful eyes for a moment before theatrically whipping her head to the side, and replying,

"Nah, she just left her cactus here."

Edward groans loudly, falling to the floor in his anguish. Alice kicks him in the groin, causing him to yell in pain, and runs away snickering.

***Scene changes to Bella, driving off in her "faithful" truck, Old Rusty***

*Tears stream down her cheeks as Bella drives away from the Cullens' house. While "driving", Bella runs over a basketball, through a mailbox, into an old woman, and through the garage door. She leaps out, and runs inside. Miraculously, she doesn't fall.*

Charlie glances up as Bella storms into the room.

"So... you gonna' call Jacob?"

Bella stares at Charlie blankly for a moment. Then, suddenly, she bursts into tears, and falls to her knees, you guessed it, dramatically.

Charlie watches Bella sob hysterically for fifteen minutes with a slightly bemused expression on his face.

When Bella finally stands up, sniffling, he says awkwardly, "So... is that a yes?"

Bella picks up a ladle and chucks it as his head before running upstairs to throw herself onto her bed, crying.

"Bella," a familiar voice said from next to the window. Bella lifts her head and gasps as a shocked expression fills her face.

***Cut to black***

_Next time on, _That's How We Survive...

_Who is Bella's mystery guest?_

_Where is she/he from? _

_What's she/he doing in her bedroom?_

_Will Bella see Jacob?_

_Will Old Rusty cheat on her?_

_Find out next time on, _That's How We Survive,

**For the love of Twilight...**


	2. Chapter 2

**That's How We Survive**

A Twilight Soap Opera

by Lady of Dreams2701

_For the love of Twilight..._

A/N: I don't own Twilight. Please R&R.

_Last time on _That's How We Survive_..._

_"Bella," a familiar voice said from next to the window. Bella lifts her head and gasps as a shocked expression fills her face._

For the love of Twilight...

"Felix!" Bella cries. Her voice is part-shock part-fear and part-love.

*Wink*

Felix grins slyly. "'Sup, baby?"

"Nothing much," Bella says automatically, nearly fainting.

"You doin' a''ight?"

"Yeah, I am, now that you mention it. Except that Edward won't let me see Jacob, and I want to see Jacob because Jacob's my best friend in the whole wide world and Charlie says that Billy says that Jacob's really in pain, and it's all my fault, because I can't go to La Push to see him because Edward won't let me, and if I try to sneak over Alice will see it and Edward will break my truck again and I still won't see Jacob, and I need to see Jacob. And then Rosalie hates me, and Emmett's a prick becaue he's always laughing at me because I fall all the time, and that I blush so much, which I can't help because I fall all of the time which is all Charlie's fault because he's a total freak and he has two left feet, too, and he passed that on to me. And then Edward won't sleep with me, even though I really want his body, and he says he wants me, too, but I don't buy it because I beg all the time, and he still won't do it with me. Which is really weird, right, because guys always want to have sex. Well, normal ones do anyway, right? So Edward's being an even bigger prick then Emmett because he's... making life difficult. And I think I left my beloved cactus at his house, but I can't go back and get it because I'm not talking to Edward anymore because he won't let me see Jacob, and then he won't sleep with me. _And_ he's trying to get me to marry him, and I don't wanna' be married, but Edward says it's the only way that he'll be the one to change me into a vampire which really sucks, you know. Carlisle will do it, he promised, right after graduation, but I want Edward to be the one to change me; I want it to be _his_ venom that makes me a vampire, not Carlisle's. Not that I've got anything against Carlisle's venom, of course, but Edward's my man, you know? I just think it would make it _extra_ special if it was his venom that made me a vampire. And I have to become a vampire, Felix, I have to, or otherwise the Volturi will come and kill us all, and... and... and..." Bella, finally, stops rambling, and looks up at Felix, who was still grinning slyly as he was throughout her entire monologue.

"Wait a second... what are you doing in my bedroom, Felix?"

"You left this in Volterra," he says, handing her a Jonas Brothers CD.

"Oh, thanks Felix, I've been looking for this..."

Felix winked.

"So, baby, I was listening to, like, five words of your rant, and I have gotta' say... If Edward won't sleep with you, maybe you need to find someone else... a better man... who will sleep with you."

Bella nodded slowly. "Are you Team Jacob?"

Felix rolled his eyes melodramatically, and proceeded to chuck _Wuthering Heights _at her head. Bella fell backwards onto her bed with an

_"Oh!"_ While her copy of _Wuthering Heights _lodged itself in her wall.

"I meant that _I_ would sleep with you," Felix said, and resumed his sly grin.

Bella looked up at him with a hopeful expression.

"Would you, Felix? Really? Would you free me from my virginity that Lauren has been teasing me about ever since I showed up in Forks?"

And then, just to prove the point, Lauren bursts into Bella's bedroom door, and yells loudly,

"Ha ha, Bella's an eighteen year old virgin! Hardy har!"

And then she exits through the door.

Felix loses his sly grin for a baffled expression.

"What happened to her hair?"

"Dunno; maybe it all fell out when she hit the maximum limit of 1000 STDs."

Felix and Bella burst into loud obnoxious laughter that lasts about thirty minutes.

"Bella? WTF?" Charlie called up the stairs after their half hour guffawing session ended.

"Go away, Dad; I'm about to get laid... by Jacob."

"Oh, well in that case... Carry on then."

Felix grinned slyly at Bella some more.

"Let's do it, Felix."

Felix turns to wink at the camera, and he stage whispers to the audience, "Score."

***Cut to black***

***Commercial***

*Car is speeding along street. Car drives over hill and into a wall and the Crash Dummy's head goes through the steering wheel.*

Has this ever happened to you? Well, fear no more, friends. With the all new Nucleus Big Mama 2000, _this _happens.

*Car is speeding along street. Car is speeding through waterfall. Car is speeding over a river. Car is speeding over a hill. Car is speeding around a hill. Car drives into a wall and the Crash Dummy goes through the windshield.*

*Felix wanders onto the screen, and turns to the camera*

*Cheesy Wink*

*****_**And now, For the love of **_**Twilight**_**, we return to **_**That's How We Survive**_*****_

*Scene takes place in La Push, where Jacob is currently lying on the couch wearing an expression that is both heartbroken and heartbreaking.*

How dreadful.

"My life sucks!" Jake yells suddenly to no one.

With that, Leah pokes her head in the window, and snorts. "Not as much as mine does, asshat."

_*The entire audience nods in agreement*_

"Oh, Leah," Jake says sitting up to match her cruel expression with his miserable one. "I just don't know what to do anymore."

Leah's bitchy expression softens. Then, she climbs through his living room window, throws him off the couch, and sits down. Jake whines like a puppy, and hops back onto the couch to sit next to Leah. He gazes at her soulfully for a moment and she gazes back at him with a similar expression before, suddenly, the two heartbroken wolves begin kissing fiercely and passionately.

Oh, baby.  
This lasts, like, ten minutes before...

"Hey, Jake, just coming by to make sure you aren't plotting my downfall, heh heh, just kid- what the fuck?" Sam shouts as he bursts into the Black's living room through the front door, his expression hostile as he gazes at his ex-girlfriend and archnemesis- I mean, second-in-command.

"Sam!" The two shout in unison.

***Scene changes to Bella's bedroom***

*Bella clutches a sheet to her nude and bruised body as Felix continues to grin slyly. Then suddenly, he turns to Bella.*

"Sorry 'bout that, by the way," He says conversationally.

"'Bout what?" Bella asks breathlessly.

Felix picks up Bella's copy of _Pride and Prejudice_ and he smacks it over her head before tossing it into the wall. This book joins _Wuthering Heights_; lodging itself into the wall right next to it so that they can have a conversation if they get lonely.

*Silence*

...Or in the event that they figure out how to talk.

Either way.

"The bruises, Bella."

"What?"

"Never mind," Felix says with a sigh and shifts his gaze back to the ceiling. Then, he begins to grin slyly again like the badass/ douchebag he is.

Chyeah.

The two are silent for a moment as Bella pants, blushes, pants a bit, blushes again... and so on.

"So anyway... I guess I should be heading back now." Felix says, breaking the sort of silence.

"What? Where?"

"Uhm, my home... as in... Volterra... in Italy?"

"Oh, yeah, yeah, you should, you totally should..." Bella says, blushing.

The two stand up, the sheet forgotten, while Felix pulls on his cloak, and Bella pulls on... whatever.

"So, I'll visit you again sometime," Felix promised, grinning.

"I'd love that!"

The two gaze into each others eyes for a moment, and then they kiss passionately in farewell.

"I know you're still mad, Bella, but I brought your cac- What the fuck?!" Edward shrieks.

The two break apart. Bella looks scandalized. Felix grins slyly.

Then, he turns to wink at the camera once more.

***Cut to black***

_Next time on, _That's How We Survive_..._

_What will happen with Edward, Bella, and Felix? _

_Will Felix come back?_

_When?_

_Will he stop being a prick?_

_Will Jacob and Leah fall in love?_

_Will they not?_

_What will Sam do?_

_Why does he care?_

_Why do _you_ care?_

_Or do you?_

_Find all of this out next time on, _That's How We Survive,

**For the love of Twilight...**


	3. Chapter 3

**That's How We Survive**

A Twilight Soap Opera

by Lady of Dreams2701

_For the love of Twilight..._

A/N: I don't own the Twilight Series books nor the movie. Please R&R!

_Last time on,_ That's How We Survive_..._

_"Oh, Leah," Jake says sitting up to match her cruel expression with his miserable one. "I just don't know what to do anymore."_

_...suddenly, the two heartbroken wolves begin kissing fiercely and passionately._

_"Hey, Jake, just coming by to make sure you aren't plotting my downfall, heh heh, just kid- what the fuck?" Sam shouts as he bursts into the Black's living room..._

_"So, I'll visit you again sometime," Felix promised, grinning._

_"I know you're still mad, Bella, but I brought your cac- What the fuck?!" Edward shrieks. _

For the love of Twilight...

There is an incredibly awkward silence in the air. As there usually is when your boyfriend catches you with another guy. It becomes even more awkward as the minutes tick by and you're still standing there, looking scandalized, with mussed up hair, bruises all over your body and your clothes mismatched to show that you got dressed in the dark or, if you're a vampire, with your eyes closed and your head turned to the side. It doesn't help that, even as you stare pleadingly into your boyfriend's tormented face the guy you just slept with watches with a sly grin and a habit of winking at the camera.

Oh, yeah, and the camera makes things pretty awkward, too.

Go figure on that one.

"Bella... how could you?" Edward whispered.

"It's not what it looks like, Edward. We were just, uh... watching _Sense and Sensibility_!" Bella says, frantic for some excuse and that's just the best one she could come up with in the spur of the moment.

Yeah, good luck with that one.

Despite the fact that this is completely ridiculous and equally unlikely, Edward's handsome face looks hopeful.

"Really, Bella?"

"Really! We were just-"

Felix snorted. Bella turned to glare at him, and Edward turned to stare blankly at the hulking figure that is our- or rather _my_- beloved Felix.

"Don't insult his intelligence, Bella." Felix said, and then he turned to Edward. "We just fucked, Edward."

Bella screams dramatically.

"IT ISN'T TRUE!!"

"It is, Eddiekins, it really is." Felix said, and then, just to prove to us all how big of a prick he is, he winks at Edward.

Bella picks up her lamp and smashes it over Felix's head.

"I swear it never happened!"

Edward, still perched on Bella's windowsill and clutching her favorite cactus begins to sob miserably.

***Scene changes to the Black residence in La Push***

_"Sam!" The two shout in unison._

"What the- What are you- How- Why- Oh my- Fuck-," Sam spluttered.

Jacob rolls his eyes, "Spit it out already, Sam."

Then he goes back to looking shocked, scandalized, and appropriately abashed.

"I can't believe this!"

"Sam, it isn't what it looks like, I swear!" Leah says pleadingly.

"Really? 'Cause it looks an awful lot like my second-in-command was just making out with my girlfriend- I mean _ex-_girlfriend," Sam corrects himself hastily.

"Oh... well, then, yeah, it's exactly what it looks like." Leah says, wincing slightly as she exchanges a glance with Jacob.

"And you don't even deny it!" Sam roared, pointing an accusatory figure in their general direction.

Jacob rolls his eyes again. "Well, the evidence is a bit undeniable, Sam."

"How could you two! Your supposed to be 'siblings'!" Sam said, shaking his head angrily.

Leah stops looking abashed, and rolls her eyes, too.

"It's a one time fling, Sam," she says, exchanging an exasperated look with Jake, "Would you take a freakin' chill pill?"

"And at least I'm not plotting your downfall, like I was thinking about doing before Leah turned up," Jacob points out, and Leah nods in agreement.

Sam's expression clears. "Oh, well then... when you look at it like that..."

"Now could you leave us in peace, Sam?"

"Yeah, we were... kind of busy."

*At this point, Felix leans his head in the window to wink at the camera*

"Uhm, sure," Sam says, blushing. "Yeah I'll leave you to that... Sorry..."

*Sam exits through front door, muttering to himself*

"Now..." Jacob says, leaning towards Leah, and waggling his eyebrows.

"Where were we?" She says, giggling manically.

The fangirls out front chant there disapproval, but the werewolves choose to ignore it.

The two resume their passionate kissing.

***Cut to Black***

(Geddit'? Cut to _Black_? Because it's- oh, nevermind.)

***Commercial***

Has this ever happened to you?

*Man is skipping through house. Man is skipping into bathroom. Man is skipping out of bathroom, looking satisfied. Woman is skipping into bathroom. Woman shrieks dramatically. Camera shot of a toilet with the seat up.*

Well, fear no more, good woman. With the all-new Man-Whip 3000, _this _happens.

*Man is skipping through house. Man is skipping into bathroom. Man starts skipping out of bathroom, looking satisfied, until a whip wraps around his ankle and drags him back inside. Man is shrieking loudly and there are loud lashing sounds. Woman appears in hallway, looking satisfied as she gazes at bathroom door and listens to the scene taking place inside.*

*Felix pokes his head in the scene, and winks cheesily*

_***And now, for the love of **_**Twilight**_**, we return to **_**That's How We Survive**_*****_

*Scene takes place in Bella's bedroom, where all is not going so well*

"Edward, please don't cry," Bella whispers reaching out to touch his cheek.

Edward looks up soulfully at her. "I will... for you... I'd do anything for you, love."

*Fangirls in hallway and lawn coo, _"Aw...!"_ in unison, and some begin to cry soundlessly.

Felix gags, and then turns to wink at the camera*

"Oh, Edward, I'm so sorry! I should have... I shouldn't have... I... I'm so sorry!" Bella says crying.

Edward climbs in through the window gracefully, and the two share a passionate embrace.

"'I shouldn't have'?" Felix repeats, grinning slyly. "You know you don't really feel that way, Bella."

*Bella picks up desk chair and smacks it over Felix's head. Chair is reduced to rubble.*

*Felix picks up Bella's end table and crushes it over her head. Bella falls to the floor dramatically*

Edward growls menacingly, and he dives at Felix, who squeals.

*They fight*

Downstairs, Charlie glances up from the game on the TV.

"Must be pretty rough," he mutters, grinning.

*Back in Bella's room...*

Edward tosses Felix through door, and he falls down the stairs, and at the bottom, he is unconcious.

*Fangirls cheer*

Edward kneels down, to pick up the fallen Bella, and gaze at her limp form lovingly, as the fangirls swoon.

"Are you alright, love?"

Bella's eyes flutter open. "I..." she says, glancing around, theatrically bewildered, "I think so, Edward."

The two gaze soulfully at one another before they kiss sweetly.

Just then, Felix bursts in, growling, but grinning slyly at the same time.

Talented, eh?

Edward rises, and Bella cowers behind him.

Felix dives at them, and Edward pulls Bella to the side so that Felix goes through the window.

*Fangirls and audience cheer once more*

Edward holds Bella protectively as the two gaze down at Felix.

"I'll be back!" Felix yells up at the two of them. "You haven't seen the last of me!"

Edward pulls Bella to the side, shielding her from Felix's gaze.

Then, completely at random, he adopts the voice of the Wicked Witch of the West, and yells up at the two lovers, cackling madly. "I'll get you, my pretty! And your little girlfriend, too!"

He proceeds to laugh maniacally, and then he disappears in a thick cloud of red smoke.

***Scene changes to Emily's house in La Push***

Emily is running around her backyard doing Emily-ish things like painting the shed or planting flowers or shooting down pigeons.

Gotta' keep them wolves well fed.

Emily finally makes her way back inside, her arms full of bloody pigeons that she dumps into a pot of boiling water. She then proceeds to say a prayer for them like the good samaritan she is. Then in a completely OOC turn of events, she begins cackling evilly, throws some random poison in the pot, and stirs it wickedly.

No, not really. I'm just kidding. *Shifty eyes*

Anywho, Emily exits said kitchen and makes her way to her bedroom. Upon entering through her bedroom door, she gasps dramatically, clutching her heart.

"'Sup, baby?" Says the voice of a vampire we all know and kind of want to punch in the face.

"Felix!" Emily says in shock.

***Dramatic music, aaaand cut to black***

_Next time on,_ That's How We Survive_..._

_Will Felix really come back for Edward and Bella?_

_Will Bella and Edward be able to work through this rocky patch?_

_Will Sam stop being a douche?_

_Will Jacob really over throw him?_

_Why is Felix in Emily's room?_

_Better question, how the hell does she know who he is?_

_Really not Sam's day, eh?_

_Find all this out, and more, on _That's How We Survive...

**For the love of Twilight...**


	4. Chapter 4

**That's How We Survive**

A Twilight Soap Opera

by Lady of Dreams2701

_For the love of Twilight..._

A/N: Do enjoy, won't you? Please R&R!

_Last time on, _That's How We Survive...

_"I'll get you, my pretty! And your little girlfriend, too!" (Felix calls up to Bella and Edward)_

_"I can't believe this!" (Sam yells)_

_"It's a one time fling, Sam," she (Leah) says._

_"'Sup, baby?" Says the voice of a vampire we all know and kind of want to punch in the face._

_"Felix!" Emily says in shock._

For the love of Twilight...

*Scene begins at the Black's house where Leah is now exitting, glancing around with shifty eyes before rushing off into the darkness*

Jake is now walking around the living room, grinning slyly like He-Who-We-Will-Not-Name-'Cause-It's-That-Obvious.

*Eye roll*

Jake flops down on the couch, still grinning and feeling a lot better about his life when the phone rings.

"'Lo," He answers lazily.

"Jake, it's me, Bella!"

Far from looking excited, he stares off blankly.

"Who?"

"Bella, Jake,"

"What about her?"

"IT'S ME, BELLA, YOU ASSHOLE!"

"Oh, right, right, right..." Jake says, remembering. "'Sup, Ella?"

"BELLA!"

"Right, right, right... ain't that what I said?"

"YOU SAID ELLA."

"Did I?"

"YES, YOU DID."

"Right, right, right... my bad."

"YES, IT IS YOUR BAD, SHITHEAD."

"Jeez, girl... what's your _damage_?"

"EDWARD WOULD NEVER GET MY NAME WRONG, FUCKTARD."

_"It's true!"_ Edward's voice calls in the backround.

"SEE?"

"Nah, but I heard him."

"YOU'RE SUCH A DICK, JACOB BLACK. I CALLED TO SEE IF YOU WANTED TO HANG OUT, BUT APPARENTLY NOT, SINCE YOU SUCK."

"Yeah, I'm kind of busy at the mo'..."

"_WHAT?_ I'M SUPPOSED TO BE WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE SUN IN YOUR PATHETIC LIFE. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BEND OVER BACKWARDS FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY, JACOB BLACK."

"Says who?"

"STEPHENIE MEYER."

_"It's true!"_ The fangirls, the Cullens, the audience, the werewolves, the Volturi, the Denalis, the random humans in this series, and the Cullen's friends all yell in unison.

"Yeah, well, Rachel thinks this is a more dramatic, Soap Opera-esque plot, so..."

"WHAT? WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU LISTEN TO HER? SHE'S A COMPLETE MORON!"

Hey, now... no need to get nasty, Bella. And how am I a complete moron? I'm second in my class.

"YOU CAN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND BLOND JOKES."

That was one time!

"WHATEVER. YOU'RE STILL AN IDIOT."

Says who?

"SAYS ME!"

Well, now... who died and made you God?

"JESUS DID."

...That's not why he died, Bella. Maybe you should try reading the Bible.

"BITE ME."

I'd rather not, thanks. But your mom, on the other hand...

*Wink*

"WHAT? YOU LITTLE-"

"You were trying to say something to me, Bella?" Jacob interrupts, still lounging on his couch with a bored expression.

"WHAT?"

"That's why you called...?"

"OH. YEAH. RIGHT. BACK ON TRACK. I THINK WE SHOULD HANG OUT SO THAT YOU AREN'T SUCH AN EMO FREAK ALL THE TIME."

"Yeah, well... like I said, Bella. Rachel told me to get over it, and in return, I'd get to have lots of sex with lots of women, so..."

"WWWWWWWHHHHHHHHAAAAATTTTTTT?"

"I'm going to have sex with lots of beautiful women if I get over you. In fact, Leah just left just before you called..."

"WTF?"

"Yeah... Sorry I can't really help you out there, Stella-"

"BELLA!"

"Sure, sure... but I'm about to wander off to sleep with someone else, so..."

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?"

"No, Bella, I'm not fucking kidding you. G2G."

"WTF?"

"Catch you on the flip side, homie. Word." And with that, Jacob hangs up the phone.

***Cut to black***

***Commercial***

Do you ever need money at a completely unreasonable hour? Perhaps to get coke out of a vending machine?

_"Yeah!"_

Rent a DVD despite the fact that Blockbuster is CLOSED?

_"Yeah!"_

Pay for those hooker twins your brother got you for your birthday?

_"All the time!"_

Well, that's all well and good, friend. Because the new bank, We're In It For Your Money, stays open All. Freaking. Night.

_"Yayyyyy!"_

Felix strolls onto the scene, and turns to the camera.

*Cheesy WInk*

_***And now, For the love of **_**Twilight**_**, we return to **_**That's How We Survive**_*****_

*Scene takes place at Emily's house in La Push. She is currently staring, dazed, at the handsome playa that is Felix*

"Felix... What are you doing here? You can't be here!"

Felix grins slyly- Well, there's something we haven't seen him do before *Eye roll*- "You left this in Volterra."

Felix hands her a Demi Lovato- sp?- CD.

Emily takes it, and clutches it to her chest. "Thanks, Felix, I've been looking all over for this."

He winks.

"Now you have to go Felix," Emily says, glancing around frantically, as the air of suspense builds and fangirls peer in through the windows, the door, the closet, under the bed, and from behind the mirror, the curtains and the rocking chair.

Felix continues grinning. "Why?"

"Because! I have a new life, Felix, I..." Emily turns dramatically and stares off into the distance. "I'm in love with a man who despises vampires. If he ever knew, Felix, he'd... he'd... oh, he'd hate me, I'm sure of it."

"Looks like you should have stuck in Volterra, Emily," Felix says, completely oblivious to what she just said.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"What happened to you, Emily?" Felix whispers, moving forward, and abbandoning his cocky expression and his last ounce of respect for canon.

"I don't know what your talking about, Felix." Emily says seriously.

Felix rolls his eyes. "Your face, Emily."

"Oh, right... That."

Felix waited.

"I... I can't tell you, Felix. Now, you _must_ go." Emily said, turning back to him.

"What we had... it was a long time ago. Now please, Felix, just go."

Felix looks hurt for a moment or two before he looks past her, and resumes grinning slyly.

"This your new love?"

Emily turns, yet again, to stare at a shocked and hurt looking Sam.

"Sam!" She cries melodramatically.

***Scene changes to Denali house in Alaska***

*Wink*

Tanya is walking around the house, swaying her hips even though no one else is there to see her.

On that note, someone bursts in the door behind her.

Slowly, dramatically, and in a completely over the top manner, Tanya turns. And then she smiles flirtily.

"Embry." She whispers, as Embry makes his way over to her.

"You came to visit me," she purred, "My pretty puppy."

"Tanya," Embry whispered, his eyes glistening with tears as he takes her face in his hands.

"It's been too long. Like, a half hour, or something."

"In which I've missed you _so_ much, my love," Tanya cooes, gazing up at him.

Then, they proceed to kiss with a fiery passion.

*Felix strolls in, winks at the camera, and strolls back out to get back to La Push before anyone notices he'd left.*

"Oh, Tanya!" Embry says lovingly.

"Oh, Embry!" Tanya says flirtily.

"Tanya!"

"Embry!"

"Tanya!"

"Embry!"

"Tanya!"

"Embry!"

"Ta-!"

Garrett appears in the room suddenly, and chucks a vase at Embry's head.

"Would you two shut up? Kate and I are _attempting_ to do something... erm... completely adult-like."

And then he disappears.

Loud giggling makes its way into the hallway and throughout the house.

"Where were we?" Tanya purrs.

"We were about to do it." Embry says, and lifts Tanya into his arms, and carries her up the steps to her bedroom.

***Cut to black***

_Next time on, _That's How We Survive...

_What do Tanya and Embry have going on?_

_What do Felix and Emily have going on?_

_What is their past?_

_Who will Jacob sleep with next?_

_Will I stay true to my word and, indeed, allow him to have sex with many beautiful women?_

_What other ways can we completely slaughter canon?_

_Find out next time on,_ That's How We Survive,

**For the love of Twilight...**


	5. Chapter 5

**That's How We Survive**

A Twilight Soap Opera

by Lady of Dreams2701

_For the love of Twilight..._

A/N: And here we are: Chapter Five. Enjoy! (:

_Previously on,_ That's How We Survive...

_"Yeah, well, Rachel thinks this is a more dramatic, Soap Opera-esque plot, so..."_

_"I'm going to have sex with lots of beautiful women if I get over you..."_

_"Felix... What are you doing here?" (Emily asks) _

_"This your new love?" (Felix asks) Emily turns, yet again, to stare at a shocked and hurt looking Sam._

_"You came to visit me," she purred, "My pretty puppy."_

_"Tanya," Embry whispered, his eyes glistening with tears as he takes her face in his hands._

_Embry... lifts Tanya into his arms, and carries her up the steps to the bedroom._

For the love of Twilight...

*Scene takes place in Emily's bedroom in La Push where Sam is standing, horrified, at the entrance to her bedroom. Emily looks equally horrified. Felix looks... cocky.*

But what else is new?

"Emily..."

"No, Sam! I swear, this isn't..."

"He's a vampire, Emily!"

"I... I..." Emily turns toward the window dramatically.

"First Leah... now you... and a _vampire_..." Sam spits the term hatefully.

Emily begins to sob.

"Well, it really isn't like we got it on, Alpha Puppy." Felix says, exasperated.

Sam turns to narrow his eyes at Felix.

"No one asked your opinion, leech." He hisses.

"Well, it looks like Emily could could use the defense, dog breath."

Sam breathes on his hand and sniffs defensively.

"And you're supposed to love her!" Felix says angrily, as the author's assassins proceed to run their swords through canon once more. Emily turns to gaze at Felix tearfully.

"Emily..." Felix returns her gaze. "Emily doesn't deserve this sort of treatment."

And with that, Felix exits through the window leaving an awkward silence in his wake.

***Scene changes to the Cullen House***

"!" Calls a character you may be surprised to find is actually Bella.

*Rolls eyes*

"Edddddiiiiiieeeeeeee make Rrrrraaaacccchhhheeellll shut her faaaacccce-uuuuhhhh."

*Rolls eyes again and returns to plot*

"Bella, love!" Edward says, happy to see her because he's the perfect boyfriend and, in Rachel's Winter Wonderland, perfect boyfriends are always happy to see their girlfriends. Even if their girlfriends are far from perfect and incredibly annoying. And even if they just saw their girlfriend, like, not even two minutes before.

"I wanna become a ," Bella says in her usual whiney voice.

But, on the bright side, at least she can show emotion unlike-

"Bella," Edward says, with Soap-worthy anguish, "I thought we were going to wait until graduation."

"But I don't wwwwaaaannnnttt ttooooo." Bella whines. "I wanna be a vampire now! And I want you to change me!"

"Bella, I," Edward says staring off dramatically out the window that shows his glorious reflection. "I don't know if I can do that without hurting you."

Bella's whiney expression instantly softens, and she puts a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"Edward, I know you can do it," Bella whispers in encouragement.

Which is kind of nice to hear in comparison to her usual voice.

"You have too much faith in me, Bella," Edward says, like the angst filled man he is. "I'm a monster, Bella. You need to accept that."

"You're not a monster, Edward. And I still refuse to accept that because, despite my many many failures and my habit of annoying everyone into a state of utter insanity, I am still the mouthpiece of all fangirls when I say 'You're perfect'. Right, fangirls?"

The fangirls that were peering in through the windows, the front door, behind furniture, under the stairwell, sitting on the stairwell, and in many other places, all nod and murmur in agreement that this is, in fact, the truth.

"And there's no such thing as having too much faith in someone. Especially someone as wonderful as you, Edward." Bella says, with a kind smile.

"Says who?" Edward says miserably, though he is slightly lifted by all the fangirls and Bella's love.

"Says Rachel, actually."

"Seriously?" Edward says, turning towards Bella with a bemused expression on his face. "I thought you hated her."

"I do, Edward. Trust me. However, desperate times call for desperate measures. And you know all about desperation, don't you, Rachel?"

Are you serious? The hypocrisy in that statement is _killing_ me.

"Anyway, Edward... you have to change me. I am supposed to be pretty selfless, after all. In the books."

Jacob pokes his head in.

"Really?"

"Yes, jerkface," Bella says, launching a lamp across the room at him. Jake squeals like a little girl, and runs out through the door.

"Anyway... _I_ wouldn't be able to live with myself if I put your family in danger."

"Actions speak louder then words, Bella!" Yells the entire Cullen family, minus Edward who is still gazing soulfully into Bella's eyes, completely oblivious to his family.

"Oh, Bella," Edward says, and the two share a passionate kiss.

***Cut to black***

** *Commercial***

Have you ever found yourself having to feed _ten_ werewolves on a daily basis because the Alpha Wolf imprinted on you?

*Shot cuts to Emily, who is smiling with her arms folded, nodding with a slightly stern look. A look that you can only aquire by using a little skill called "over acting"*

Well, lucky for you, the Super Special Market has a solution to your problem of having to spend so much money to feed said dogs _without_ having to pay a fortune!

Any spare twigs?

*Shot cuts to Emily picking up a twig and holding it up to the camera with a thrilled, over the top expression.*

Any spare blades of grass? Pigeons? Roadkill?

*Shot cuts to each of these in turn.*

Just throw 'em in a boiling pot of water, and there you go! Wolf food!

*Felix skips into view, and turns to the camera happily.*

*Cheesy Wink*

_***And now, for the love of**_** Twilight**_**, we return to**_** That's How We Survive**_**.***_

*Scene begins at Emily's house in La Push, where Emily has just seen the commercial for cutting her budget on werewolf-feed. She turns off the TV with the remote*

"That's a damn good idea." She says, nodding.

"You know it, girl!" The announcer shouts through her window.

"Emily," says Sam, entering through the front door, looking heartbroken. Emily's face mirrors this immediately.

"Oh, Sam!" She calls lovingly, tears cascading down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry! I should have told you about... about..." Emily turns away dramatically to gaze off into the distance.

"It's okay, Emily," Sam says, placing a loving hand on her shoulder.

Emily turns back to him overdramatically.

"I love you," she whispers, holding his hand to her ruined cheek.

"I love you, too," he says, and they gaze into each others eyes before-

***We're sorry to interrupt this over acted moment to tell you that we're now switching to something more scandalous and interesting.***

*Author rolls her eyes theatrically, and chucks a spoon in the general direction of the narrarator for spoiling her fun.*

*Scene changes to the Denali house where Embry is just now sneaking out the door*

Camera follows Embry as he shapeshifts into a wolf, and runs home to La Push.

From Alaska.

Without a break, or breaking a sweat, for that matter.

Because, apparantly, that's just what werewolves and vampires do with their spare time.

_EMBRY!_ shouts a voice in his head. 'Tis the Alpha Poodle, Sam.

_What?_ Embry asks innocently.

_DID YOU JUST COME FROM ALASKA?_

_ ...No._

_ LIES! _The Alpha Poodle shouts in his thoughts as the other Fluffy Tails join them.

_'Sup, ya'll? _thinks Jacob, who has just left Megan Fox's bedroom.

_Nuttin' much, how you doin'?_ Quil asks.

'Cause this is how the werepoodles talk.

_I'm a'ight,_ thinks Jacob.

_Same here, homes,_ thinks Paul.

_WOULD YOU ALL STOP THIS NONSENSE!_ Sam shouts in there heads as the dog groomer lady brushes his fur lovingly in order to create my favourite literary device: Irony.

_Geez, Sammy, what's got your tail in a knot?_ asks Jared.

_Yeah, chill dog._ Seth thinks.

Chyeah, check out that pun. Word.

_You sound like someone else I know..._ thinks Jacob, trailing off.

Gee, who could Sam possibly remind him of? *Cue Jeopardy theme song as Jake thinks*.

_IT'S BECAUSE EMBRY JUST SLEPT WITH A VAMPIRE!_

_I didn' t, I swear! He's lying! I don't even _know_ Tanya!_

Crickets chirp as the entire pack stares blankly at Embry.

_Erm... I mean... the vampire. That Sam is claiming I slept with. It didn't happen. Yeah._ Embry thinks awkwardly.

Crickets chirp some more.

_You banged Tanya? I thought _I_ was supposed to get all the hot girls, Rachel!_ Jacob thinks indignantly.

I never said _all_ the hot girls, Jake. But don't worry. I've got another one lined up for you.

*Winks*

_Oh... oh, well... that's okay then._

I thought so.

_IS ANYONE GOING TO REACT TO THIS? PAUL? _Sam asks, shocked.

_Meh... Nah, dog-man, I don't think I will._ Paul thinks. Which, during the time that this Soap takes place, makes this move completely OOC.

_Gah, I give up on you fools. Peace, poodles. I'm gonna' go practice juggling with my tail._

***Cut to black***

_Next time on, _That's How We Survive_..._

_What will the Alpha Poodle do with Embry now that Sammy knows he's been screwing the enemy?_

_What will happen between Felix and Emily?_

_Or will I forget about him and have Felix hook up with someone else?_

_In the event that I do forget about Emily and Felix, will Sam and Emily work things out?_

_Will Edward and Bella keep this good relationship going?_

_Will the rest of the Cullens have major parts at some point?_

_Who will Jake sleep with next?_

_Find out next time on, _That's How We Survive,

**For the love of Twilight...**


	6. Chapter 6

**That's How We Survive**

A Twilight Soap Opera

by Lady of Dreams2701

_For the love of Twilight..._

_Previously on, _That's How We Survive_..._

_"Emily..." Felix returns her gaze. "Emily doesn't deserve this sort of treatment."_

_"You're not a monster, Edward." (Bella says)_

_"I love you," she (Emily) whispers, holding his hand to her ruined cheek._

_"I love you, too," he (Sam) says._

_...EMBRY JUST SLEPT WITH A VAMPIRE! (Sam shouts)_

For the love of Twilight...  
*Scene takes place in Cullen House. Alice is wandering about doing Alice-y things like gazing into the future or planning outfits for the entire family when she enters her room, and gasps.*

"'Sup, baby?" Felix asks, leaning casually against the window. "Didn't you see this coming?"

Alice's shocked expression melts instantly, and she rolls her eyes. "Of _course_ I did. But dramatic gasps are all the rage in Soap Operas, Felix. Duh."

"And so are the villains..." Felix says, waggling his eyebrows.

Alice rolls her eyes again. "No, Felix, good guys that turn into villains over the course of some odd number of episodes are all the rage in Soap Operas. Duh."

Felix blinks in shock. It had been _days_ since someone talked to him like he was the idiot in the room. Bella was completely useless, Emily was a tad bit dim, and Sam was just retarded.

What was the point of the Alpha Puggle again? Why was it that he existed?

Felix recovers with a sly grin. "Whatever. Anyway... wanna' seal the deal?"

Alice scoffs. "I'm married, Felix, and I love my husband, as strange as those words might sound. So, your answer is no. I do not want to 'seal the deal'."

Felix looks utterly shocked yet again, his mind in turmoil. In all his years, a number I am unaware of so therefore he is too, no one had ever refused to sleep with him. He felt like the workings of the world were falling down around him. Like hell was opening its mouth to swallow him whole, 'cause that's where he's going at the end of his days, of course. All those murders will catch up with you, in the end. Even if it isn't Earth-bound justice. Felix fell to the floor as his entire system shut down in shock.

Back in reality, Alice chuckles to herself just as Jasper enters the room. The two high-five each other.

"Booyah," Alice says.

'Cause that's not an OOC-like thing to say at all.

"What's he feeling?"

"Utter chaos," Jasper says, sniggering. Felix's form is frozen on the floor as he stares off while wearing a shocked expression. Slowly, his thoughts were untangling from the knots Alice put them in when she told him she didn't want him.

"Ah, this has been fun..." Alice says.

"Definitely," Jasper agrees.

"Don't let the window hit you on the ass on your way out, Felix." She calls over her shoulder as her and Jasper leave the room.

About four minutes later, Felix stands up. Thirty seconds after that, he figures out how to move his face again. His cocky grin returns, but he doesn't dare wink at the camera now, while he climbs out the window, and falls to the ground below.

He wouldn't dare.

Probably because he knows what he'll see: me.

Laughing.

At him.

-

"SHUT UP!" Felix roars suddenly.

*Chortle*

"AHHHHH!" Felix screams, falling to the ground dramatically with his hands over his ears. He curls up in a ball, and sobs tearlessly for about forty-five minutes. But then he stands up and begins walking away as if nothing had happened. Then, his swagger returning, he turns to the camera and winks.

***Cut to black***

***Commercial***

Is your toilet paper TOO THIN? Do you want something thicker, four times the size, and twenty times the cost?

_"Yesssss! Gimme Gimme Gimme!"_

Well, then, it's your lucky day! 'Cause the all new Plushy-Plushy is SUPER thick, SUPER soft, and SUPER costly!

_"Yayyyyyy!"_

So come down to your nearest Toilet Paper retail and buy twenty packs of Plushy-Plushy TODAY! RIGHT NOW!

Felix strolls onto the scene, and flips off the camera. He turns his back as the audience watches in shock. Then, he throws a wink over his shoulder.

*They die*

_***For the love of **_**Twilight, **_**we now return to **_**That's How We Survive.***  
*Scene takes place in Volterra, Italy where Renata is currently wandering about, thinking about her super-secret lover, Aro...*

Suddenly, she looks up, her nose wrinkled up in disgust.

"Ew, what's that smell?"

Just then, a high pitched giggle makes its way down the hall to Renata's ears.  
"What the-"

Just then, Heidi and Jacob snuck down the stairs, glancing over their shoulders and giggling in an Aren't-We-Naughty? sort of way.

Oh, baby.

"Will you call me next week?" Heidi said, stopping right in front of Renata who was still staring in a WTF sort of way.

"Sure, sure," Jake says. Then, when Heidi looks away, he winks at the conveniently placed Maxim model standing only a few feet away.

"Heidi, WTF?" Renata says, staring at her friend… colleague… coworker… employ- oh, fuck it, it's unimportant.

"Oh, heyyyyyy, Rennnnn!" Heidi said, swaying and giggling as Jacob exited the Volturi headquarters.

"Were you just fucking the enemy?" Renata asked, outraged.

"Nah, Ren, nah… Okay, yeah, maybe just a little bit… or a lot bit… a lot of bits…" Heidi giggled, still swaying.

Renata blinked, "Are you high?" Then, she mutters to herself, "I didn't know vampires could get high. I gotta' try me some of that…"

"Nah, Ren, nah… Just the power of love, baby." And then Heidi sways her way off stage as Renata stares after her.

"Aro!" Renata screams. "Something terrible has happened!"

***Dramatic music aaaaand cut to black***

_Will Renata tell Aro about Heidi's romantic interludes?_

_Will Felix pull it together?_

_Will something actually happen?_

_Will I apologize for the super long wait?_

_Not likely, but tune in next time regardless on, _That's How We Survive.

**For the Love of Twilight…**


End file.
